The other day I was talking to a friend, and he shared with me that he noticed that women in Israel don’t know how to receive compliments. I answered him that I have noticed it, too, but that it is because most men in Israel flatter, they do not compliment. Then I explained the difference to him, and he immediately understood, because like me he didn’t grew up in Israel (patriarch society).
What is the difference between flattery and compliments?
Flattery is something you say to someone that is generally considered flattering, means not specifically directed to a specific person. In addition, flattery is something that people say to make themselves feel better and not for the other person. Flattery is about boosting one’s ego and has nothing to do with complimenting. I like to call flattery also verbal shoutouts to make the shouter feel good about himself.
Compliments are something completely different. They are specifically directed to a specific person. A compliment is something you say to underline the greatness of someone else, not to boost your ego, or make you feel better. A compliment is something you say selflessly without a hidden agenda.
Compliments in Israel are rare, because to make a compliment you need to look at the other person and know them. It also means you are in a vulnerable position, because you tell someone else how great they are. To do so, you must be confident within yourself and in a patriarch society most men aren’t very confident, that’s why they put women down or use women to boost their egos. In such a society, flattery is more common.
That’s the reason why women in a patriarch society have more difficulties to know the difference between a compliment and flattery. It can be very confusing, because the society itself is unclear what a compliment actually is, and in the Hebrew language, we don’t even have a word for flattery to explain the difference.
So, to all the men and women, if you really want to compliment someone else, it requires some insight of the person in front of you, being able to be vulnerable and confident enough to say something real without needing the ego boost. A compliment exists to lift someone beautiful up.
Personally, I don’t like flattery, because ego boosting to me is harmful for men and women.
Complimenting someone’s greatness, underlining their achievements, so they will truly see how beautiful they are, is encouraging that person to keep up with their path, which to me is beautiful, graceful and helpful to that person. We should all compliment each other more. Now that you know the difference, go right ahead.
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