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When is a relationship abusive?

Foto: Emma Francis Logan

True security can never be given by an outside party but is something that must come from within ourselves. There is a misconception that abuse means that there must be physical violence or abusive language in a relationship. This is not always the case. To be in an abusive environment means that it is a relationship without boundaries and with a lot of control. The minute one person or both cross boundaries with one another repeatedly and there is the wish to manipulate and control the other persons behavior, it will be an abusive relationship. Violent language like cursing one another, like yelling and eventually even being physically violent is an extreme form of boundary crossing and control. That is why trying to control another and crossing their boundaries is violent within itself and can also lead to physical abuse and abusive language.

Within our society there are a lot of abusive relationships and the reason for it is, that people are used to acting out of their own fears. Many relationships are based in trying to control and manipulate one another in order to have some sense of security. Most are unaware, that true security can never be given by an outside party but is something that must come from within ourselves. Some people get so frustrated by their insecurities, that they are increasing their wish to control and manipulate the other person even more, crossing more boundaries and in the end escalating to physical and mental abuse. They see the other person as means to satisfy their desires and stop seeing them like the human being that they are. A human being with wishes, fears and desires of their own. It is important to understand that every form of manipulation and boundary crossing is not love. If you wish to control someone else, you are doing so out of fear. I do not care what excuses you give yourself about it. Abuse is not love!

Over the years I have heard people say, that a healthy relationship means one must be more dominant than the other. When in fact both parties should be loving, giving, receiving and allowing one another to grow beyond boundaries in every direction they wish to. This makes a relationship healthy, because it strengthens the bond through acceptance and gratitude.

How to not end up in an abusive relationship?

1. Learn to be alone and enjoy yourself.

2. Search for growth and love, not for someone who makes you forget how lonely you are.

3. Be in a relationship with someone that values your input and not someone that puts you down and needs to be right about everything.

4. Be grateful.

5. Your body is yours! You dress however you wish! You eat whatever you want! You have sex only if you feel comfortable!

6. No relationship can save you from yourself. If you do not like yourself, you will continue to not like yourself in a relationship.

7. Social network relationships are something my colleagues and I start noticing more frequently. Do not be in a relationship so you have something to post on Instagram.

8. Never manipulate someone into being with you! Be honest about who you are and if they like you great if they do not that is great as well.

Remember: the more you try to force something the more force will be in the relationship. More force, less love. Love does not grow through force, it growth through acceptance.

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